9 - Be Gentle with Yourself: Self Care

TRANSCRIPT

Yesterday on Facebook, one of my friends posted that there are only 100 days left to this year.  They posted that as a “if there was something you’re going to do this year, you’re running out of time” kind of reminder, and here’s where my brain went. My brain jumped ahead to New Year’s resolutions, because of what I’ve been thinking about for this week’s podcast.

Whether you do resolutions or not, you’ve heard people talk about them. You might’ve done them earlier in your life, I don’t know. But think back think about all the times you’ve heard somebody talk about “this year I’m going to… what”?  It’s always I’m going to do something different. This something different is usually something that I don’t like about myself that I’m going to try to fix.

This year I’m going to lose weight. I’m going to quit smoking. I’m going to eat better. I’m going to exercise more. Have you ever, ever, and seriously -think hard. Think of all the resolutions you’ve ever heard anybody say, including yourself. In all of that, have you ever heard somebody say “this year I’m going to get more massages.” This year I’m going to make sure I get a mani-pedi at least once a month. This year I’m going to pamper myself. Think about it. Have you ever heard or made a resolution like that?

 I couldn’t remember ever hearing anything like that, so just out of curiosity I went out to the Internet. My search for common New Year’s resolutions came up with a couple different charts. In the United States, there might be 25% of the people who make New Year’s resolutions, who will resolve that they are going to do better at self-care, whatever that means to them. In the UK it was only 12%. So we’re talking anybody from an eighth to a fourth of the population are the only ones that are saying I’m gonna do better at self-care. And why is that?

 Try something with me. I’d like you to repeat two sentences. Don’t worry about whether or not their true -that’s really not my concern.  Are you ready?

Number one: I’m working on self-care.

Number two: I’m working on pampering myself.

 My question is: did you feel any different when you spoke those two sentences? Also, think about how you, your family, and others might react to hearing you say it. Do you think they would react the same way to both sentences, or would there be different reactions?

 I can only speak for me, but I gotta tell you straight up the inner critics in my head - 0MG. they went ballistic when I used the word pampering. Why is that such a bad word?

Because we were taught that it means we’re selfish. We were taught that it means we don’t care about other people. Folks, I am here to tell you: we were taught wrong.

Hi, I’m Mary Young. Thanks for joining us again on lessons from life. Today we’re talking about another facet of being gentle with yourself:  self-care. Or as I like to think of it, pampering ourselves.

 So just out of curiosity, when was the last time you had a massage? Or spa day?

Picnic in the park?

 Night out on the town?

 Watch your favorite sports team…IN the stadium?

 When was the last time you told somebody no?

 When was the last time you had a quiet drive in the country, or took a long weekend, or spent time just doing what you wanted to do and not doing anything you didn’t want to do?

How about reading a book, or relaxing? Soaking in a bubble bath?  How long has it been?

 If you’re like most of us, it has been way too long. Why?  Why is that?

 Do you have cell phone (I promise I’m going somewhere with this)?

 My cell phone has a low battery indicator that lets me know when it’s running out of steam. It actually tells me when it gets dangerously low, and it tells me it’s gonna shut itself down if I don’t plug it in and recharge it. My laptop does the same thing.

 So why don’t we do that for ourselves? It just seems like one of the constants in today’s world, especially in the US, is that people are always tired. Or let’s be really, really honest here, overtired. Sleep deprivation is a real thing, and it’s not just going without sleep for 24 hours. It’s not getting enough sleep because you’re up too late, and have to get up too early, just to try and get everything done.

 I really wish that we could look at ourselves in the mirror, and see a battery indicator on our forehead like we do on our phones. It would be bright green when it’s full, and it would be going down to a vivid red when it gets into the danger levels. Maybe that would remind us you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anybody else.

 You have to.

And I know, I know every one of you is going: but Mary, wait!  Mary, you don’t understand.  You don’t have to say anything. I know. I really do! I know why you can’t:

• My parents have reached the point where I have to take care their business as well as my own.
• nobody else can do it
• I have three kids under the age of four
• I have a job that expects me to work, not just the eight or nine hours at my office, but to be on call in the evenings and on weekends and on vacation, because  I’ve got all this technology that lets them reach me at any time of the day or night, and that’s before we bring in that two hour commute each way
• I gotta pay for my house
• I gotta pay for my car
• I gotta pay for my kids college
• I’m going to night school in addition to working full time, so sleep is a luxury
• I have to work three jobs just to make ends meet
• and don’t forget all that afterschool stuff my kids are involved in,

And that’s all before we start talking about…

• I gotta clean house and cook meals
• I gotta go grocery shopping
• gotta keep the yard looking presentable

 If we’re doing all that, how in the world are we ever going to find time for self-care? It’s just not possible. And yet…if you don’t make the time for the self-care, none of the rest of this is ever going to get done.

 So let’s talk about what keeps it from happening. Remember those two sentences that we read out loud?

I’m working on self-care.

 I’m working on pampering myself.

Why did my inner critics go ballistic when I said pampering, even though they didn’t have any problem at all when I said self-care? Here’s .my thought.  Americans don’t value self-care as a virtue. Self-care sounds like luxury, especially if you’re working three jobs to make ends meet. It sounds like pampering, and pampering is selfish, and it’s wrong to be selfish.

 But self-care is critical to maintaining physical and emotional health. You can’t do it without it. So why is it that so many of us buy into that myth that self-care is luxury, that it’s wrong? Is it because we’ve never known anything else? We’re just doing what our parents did? We just want to be liked and accepted and admired? Could it be that we just think this is how you adult, and that part of adulting is being tired until the kids are 25?

 Or until you find yourself in an early grave?

 I don’t know. I don’t know why, but I have some thoughts. First off, if you’ve ever flown on an airplane, and if you actually listened to the safety briefing that the flight attendant gives, they say “if there is a sudden drop in pressure the oxygen masks are going to appear. put your own mask on first before helping anybody around you.” what they are really saying right there is that if you’re not getting enough oxygen you’re not gonna be able to help anybody else. Loss of oxygen or lack of oxygen will kill you.

Think about the spider plant. Now, if you know the spider plant, you’re seeing it in your mind right now. It’s pretty cool. I love spider plants. They’ve got all these nice little leaves hanging out, and then the way that the plant decides to make more plants is it sends out a little shoot, and so you have this not-quite-stick coming out of the pot, and at the end of that shoot, that very flexible shoot, is a teeny tiny new plant. And most times when you see spider plants, they’re being displayed as hanging plants in the house and all the little shoots dangle below the pot with the little babies hanging off of them.

Here’s the thing. The important thing to remember about spider plants is that if the soil is dry in the parent pot, you don’t water the baby that’s hanging below it. You water the parent pot where the mom is. That new little plant that lives at the end of the shoot?. It gets all of its nutrients through that shoot from the parent plant. If the parent plant is dying because it’s not getting watered, the babies aren’t gonna live either. So flight attendants tell you to take care of yourself first. You can’t help anybody else if you are suffering from hypoxia because you didn’t put your oxygen mask on. And there will always be people who argue with that.

 You are the only person on this planet who can take care of you. You are the only person on this planet who is like you, and you may not think you’re all that much because we all have issues with confidence, but trust me on this one. You are. And so am I, even when I don’t feel like it.

 When I was growing up there was a hair coloring product with the tagline because I’m worth it. Can we steal that and use it for ourselves, for self-care? Because I’m worth it. Pampering:  because I’m worth it. I cannot pour from an empty pitcher, and that means I have to care for my needs. I have to pay attention to my needs, and I have to give my needs the same respect I give my boss’s needs. Or my child’s needs, or my parents needs, or my best friends needs, or my spouse’s needs.

I am worth it.

You are too.

 You are worth treasuring.

 You are worth pampering.

 You are worth so much more than you realize,

 And so much more than you believe.

 And probably so much more than other people will ever tell you, so I’m telling you now.

 you are worth it.

You are worth the massage. You are worth the sports game. You are worth the occasional treat. Maybe you can’t afford to go to a pro sports game every week - can you save up and go once a year?

Maybe you can’t afford to go on a big vacation. That’s okay. If there’s one good thing I learned in the military, it’s that whenever possible, your vacation time should be spread out over the year, not taken all at one time. Now I know this depends on how much vacation time you actually get, but I also know that your body/mind/emotions would appreciate a long weekend every couple months more than it would appreciate 50 weeks of nonstop stress followed by a break.

 And if you won’t do that for yourself, can you do it for the people who love you?

Here comes that other voice again… but Mary, they’re the reason I have to do all this other stuff!  What would happen if you explained to them that you are working on self-care  -- or hey go whole hog and tell them you’re working on pampering yourself?  They’re either going to understand, or they’re going to think you’re selfish.

 If people really care about you, they’re going to rejoice when you’re doing something that takes care of you. No, really.  They will. If they care more about themselves, then they’ll try to make you feel bad for taking care of yourself (and that’s a whole different podcast).

 You are worth taking care of.

You are worth pampering.

 If massage is what recharges your batteries, then schedule one as often as you can afford it.

If hiking up to a waterfall is what does it, then give yourself time and permission to do that.

 The big thing is: give your self time and permission to do whatever recharges, relaxes, refreshes, and refills you, because if you let yourself go empty you can’t help anybody else. Part of taking care of yourself is learning what you need, and making sure you get it.

I don’t care what you call it. You can call it self-care. You can call it pampering. You can call it something else. What I care about is that you do it.

 And if somebody says you don’t need that or you’re not worth that, you look them right in the eye and tell them they are wrong, because Mary says I do need it and I am worth it.

 I promise, you do need it and you are worth it.  So go pamper yourself. Work on your self-care. Find what you need, and give it to yourself, and watch your life change.

 Thanks so much for listening.  Remember, as you go make it a great week, be gentle with yourself and take care of you