1 - Be Gentle with Yourself: Self-Talk

 

TRANSCRIPT

Like most people, I’ve always been hugely self-critical. I would be the first to point out flaws in something I’d done, and I would beat myself up for something as simple as running late, or forgetting to buy something when shopping.

 Hi, I’m Mary Young, and this is the Lessons from Life podcast. I’m glad you joined us!  Today’s episode is “Be Gentle with Yourself,” and we’ll be discussing self-talk.

 “Be gentle with yourself” is a lesson I’ve learned over time, and worked hard to internalize.

 That one phrase can encompass many different things.

• Don’t yell at yourself internally
• Don’t expect yourself to be superhuman
• Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend, or a small child.
• Say nice things about yourself, to yourself.
• Give yourself the benefit of the doubt.
• Take care of yourself.
• Pamper yourself.
• Be kind to yourself.
• Love yourself.

 I think that last one really sums it up. LOVE. YOUR. SELF.

 

 Now, it’s possible that you’re listening to this podcast thinking “Love myself? How do I do that?”  If your thoughts sound like that, start working your way through the items I just listed.

 And if you’re thinking “I don’t even know where to start!” may I suggest talking to yourself the way you would to a friend, or to a small child.

 If a friend came to me and said “I overslept and was late for work today,” I wouldn’t respond with: “You are SO lazy! How do you expect to keep your job if you keep messing up?”

 But I used to say exactly that, or something similar, to myself when I overslept.

 

 Think about some habit or behavior you’re working to change. For me, it’s weight loss and exercise.  Since menopause, it seems like just looking at a pint of ice cream will add five pounds. 

 I know that the surest way to lose weight and keep it off is to spend more calories than I take in.  I actually have a watch that tracks my steps, and an app on my phone to track my exercise and my calories. That’s been true for a couple years now, and in those same 2-3 years, I have watched my weight steadily creep upwards.

 Or to say it the way I saw it on Facebook one time:  The doctor told me I need to lose ten pounds. I only have 30 more to go.

 

 Obviously, if my weight is increasing instead of decreasing, I’m not making much progress towards my goal.  And I just re-wrote that sentence 3 times in my head, looking for the kindest way to say it.

 I could have said: obviously, I’m doing something wrong.  Or obviously, I’m not very good at it.  I could even have said proof that I’m lazy, or I really suck at this weight-loss thing.

 

 Why does it matter how I say it, if I’m just talking to myself?

 

 Think about all the times in your life someone has tried to persuade or motivate you to do something. 

 

Now, think about the times they were successful. Did shaming you, or calling you stupid, lazy, incompetent, etc. persuade or motivate you?   If the answer is no, then why do we think those techniques will work when we use them on ourselves?

 

 I can call myself all kinds of names when I think about my sporadic attempts at fitness and weight loss over the last couple of years.  I can tell myself the extra weight makes me an ugly cow and proves I never finish what I start.

 Honestly, doing any of that would not help me get back on the fitness bandwagon. In fact, since I’m an emotional eater, it would probably have the opposite effect and drive me deeper into a tub of my favorite ice cream.

 

 The question is: what would I do if one of my friends was sharing her weight loss/fitness struggle with me?

 I would be gentle with her.  While not downplaying the importance of weight loss and fitness, I wouldn’t try to shame her or make her feel bad.  I would look for ways to encourage her, and victories to celebrate with her, even if they were tiny.   We would celebrate her first time choosing fruit over ice cream, and the time she rode her exercise bike every day for a week, even if it was only 5 minutes a day.

 I would speak compassionately, while still reminding her how important it was.  I might even tell her how much I love having her in my life, and my concerns that if she doesn’t take better care of herself, I might lose her too soon.

 If I can do all that for my friend, I want to be able to do it for myself as well.  Therapists call it “self-talk,” and it’s an important part of our confidence and emotional well-being.

 

 Maybe you’re listening to these self-talk ideas thinking: “that sounds really good Mary, but when I try it, the positive words get drowned out by my inner critic (or critics).”

 I hear you, loud and clear.  My inner critics used to shout at me through a megaphone that was attached to a giant amplifier and a concert-sized speaker.  I lived with those inner critics for over 50 years, and they consistently sabotaged any of my attempts to speak positively or compassionately to myself.  As I became healthier emotionally, I became less willing to have this critical chorus constantly showering me with negative comments. 

 

 A few years ago, I decided I’d had enough, and I wrote them an eviction notice.  I won’t’ share all of it here, because it was several pages long and specific to my own reality.  For me, I felt like I had multiple inner critics, all of them angry. I pictured them as a circle of angry people surrounding me like a mob.  As part of the eviction process, I gave this mob a name -- the “circle of fuckheads.”

 Using that name helped take away some of the power I had given them over the years.  A key point in my eviction notice was that I told them I’d had enough, that they no longer got to live in my head rent-free.

Specifically, I said “You don’t own me, you don’t control me, and I’m not living my life to please you.”

 

 I don’t know who or what your inner critic looks like (mine were angry family members from my early childhood), but I do know that none of us need to sabotage ourselves, and none of us need to spend our lives listening to angry or critical voices in our heads who keep us from believing in ourselves or being gentle with ourselves.

 That said, just because I wrote an eviction notice doesn’t mean it’s the right activity for you - everyone’s different.  But dealing with the inner critic is necessary.

 

It’s been 4 years since I evicted that ‘circle of fuckheads’ and replaced them with a ‘circle of love’ -- words of encouragement from people who support me.  While I still hear them occasionally, it’s nothing like it was before the eviction notice, and it’s easier to silence the criticism and doubt, replacing it with encouragement and positivity.

 To be honest, I’d probably never have reached the eviction point if I hadn’t worked with a couple of very good counselors over the years.  Working with them helped me improve my emotional health to the point where I no longer tolerated the ‘circle of fuckheads’ and their constant critiques.

 

Being gentle with myself is a learned behavior.  It’s something I have to practice on a daily basis, sometimes even every minute.   I’ve actually been practicing it for over 20 years now, and while I’m much better than I was when I started, I’m still not as good at it as I will be.

 But I’m better at it today than I was yesterday, and I’ll be better at it tomorrow than I am today.  Because I value myself enough to be gentle with myself, even when I’m not 100% successful at something.

 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go write myself an encouraging letter about how important it is for me to succeed with my weight loss and fitness goals, and figure out a way to reward myself for the milestones (of any size) I achieve along the way.   And I’ll continue finding new ways to be gentle with myself, even on days when I’m tempted to bully myself instead.

I hope you’ll do the same.

 

Thanks for listening.  Now, go make it a great day.