24 - There is Always Hope

Dedicated to Jeff, JP, Bill & Reed, and to everyone else who's just trying to hang on a little bit longer.

 

TRANSCRIPT

Hi, and welcome to another episode of lessons from life. Remember, on January 1st we are changing our name to Like Driving in Fog: an Emotional Healing Podcast. I’m Mary Young, and I’m so glad you’re listening to us today. Yesterday, 22 December, we talked about how sometimes there are no answers. And I went to bed last night still thinking about that, and thinking I can’t just leave it at that. It’s true that sometimes there are no answers, but even when we don’t have answers, we have hope.

There is always hope.

You can’t always see it. Sometimes it’s hard to believe in it. But just like no matter how dark the night is the sun comes up again the next morning; just like an eclipse has to end and the sun comes back out from whatever was hiding it; hope is the same way. You can’t always see it, but it’s always there. And if you can wrap your head around that, if you can wrap your heart around that, it helps you hang on.

And you guys, I’m not just blowing smoke. I would not stand here in front of this microphone and say stuff just because it sounds good, because that’s not me. I’ve had people say stuff to me just because it sounds good. It didn’t help.

What I am sharing is what I have learned from my own emotional healing journey. I said it yesterday; I’ll say it again. I have never been depressed to the point of being actively suicidal, but I have been hopeless. I have been through emotional healing that I didn’t think was ever to happen. I have had nights where I curled up in my bed and cried, or went to the shower and cried until the hot water was gone, and my arms and legs were cramping because I had cried so much. There were times when I didn’t think it would ever get any better, and I would just be trapped, and I would just always be miserable.

But I was wrong.

It did get better. I’m not trapped, and I’m not miserable. I kept holding on to hope. I kept looking to other people who had been through the same process, who were going through the same process, who were experiencing the same shit. And I went to them for wisdom and advice. I had friends who could help me see the stars when all I could see was a black night. I had friends who could rekindle that spark in me when the world around that had blown it out. I had friends who weren’t afraid to sit with me in the dark instead of trying to tell me where the light switch was. And I had two very good therapists. healing partners are essential. Whether that healing partner is a friend, a talk therapist, a massage therapist...you need somebody. We all need somebody, Not just to listen to us. We all need somebody. We can’t do this alone. if you go back to the concept of driving in fog, and that first foggy trip that I took when I was 21, driving home from the movie theater in northern Indiana. if I had not had a friend making that trip with me, I don’t know what the outcome might’ve been. I might’ve decided to stop and sleep by the side of the road. But I had somebody in the car with me to encourage me, to help me find the road, to help me stay on the road, once we found it. It made a difference.

This healing journey that I’ve been on has had a lot of foggy days. There’s been a lot of times when I just didn’t know what I was supposed to do next. Didn’t know what I was seeing. didn’t know if anything was ever going to change, if I would ever stop crying, if I would ever be somebody that I can like, if the flashbacks or whatever stop, if I would ever stop having panic attacks.

But I had healing partners, and I had friends, and between them, they helped me remember that hope is always there. I said it yesterday, I’ll say it again. Sometimes the only thing you can do is stubbornly hang on.

Hang on to this too shall pass.

Hang on to there is always hope. I don’t feel it right now, but it’s there.

And when you can’t hang on anymore, I hope you have a friend that you can go to and say hey, I’m having a hard time hanging on to hope. Can you help me?

It’s hard.

It’s hard to reach out to a friend and say I need help. It’s hard to reach out to a friend and say this is more than I can handle. It was hard to admit that I needed to see a therapist, and then oh my God, it was hard to go. And nobody tells you how hard it is to go to the therapist. Nobody tells you how hard it is to keep going back, and to look at things that are painful. But I will tell you this. If I had not kept going back, if I had not looked at the stuff that hurt and started processing it, I would not be the person I am today.

And I really like the person I am today. I like the stability I have. I like the resilience I have. I like the fact that I’m more interested in encouraging other people. I like the fact that I’m brave enough to do a podcast. none of that would have happened if I had not been stubborn 25 years ago, and stubbornly kept insisting: the only way out is through; I can do this; there’s always hope.

Personally, I had a three-part mantra for those nights when I was afraid to close my eyes because I didn’t know what kind of nightmare I would have, and I didn’t want to wake up scared so I thought I would just try to stay awake all night. I had three things that I clung to. Yours will be different because we’re not the same people. For me, it was:  God is good. God loves me. Somebody is praying for me. And every time I would do that, I would replace the word somebody with a particular name. Katie is praying for me. Barb is praying for me. Karen is praying for me. Rachel is praying for me. Alice is praying for me. Because I know my friends, and I knew, I knew, that they were praying for me. You can have a different mantra, but one of the best things you can put in that mantra: There is always hope. This too shall pass.

You have to get miserable before you can get better. I hate the fact that that’s a reality, but the bottom line is you will not change until being who you are is too uncomfortable. I didn’t change until it reached the point where I was depressed all the time, until it reached the point where I was having nightmares and panic attacks, and it was starting to interfere with my ability to function in my daytime world. And to do what I needed to do for my jobs, I knew something had to change. And that something had to be me.

I want to wave a magic wand and make everything all better. I don’t want there to ever be another Reed or another Bill or another Jeff or another JP, but I don’t have that power. All I have is my story, to let you know this is what I went through, and this is how I got through it.

I got through it by being stubborn.

I got through it by reminding myself over and over and over, it’s not always going to be this way.

and you feel like your lyin’ when you say that, because really it’s the only way it’s been for what feels like my entire life, how can it not always be this way.

I’ve proven it to myself. I am not the person I was 30 years ago. I don’t have the flashbacks and the panic attacks, the nightmares. I don’t have those depressions. I don’t have those trigger incidents like I used to. My resilience is not something that I occasionally notice. It’s part of who I am, because I was able to hang on.

And I’ve gotta be honest with you. As I say this stuff, I feel like I am shortchanging, or judging or criticizing those people who were not able to hang on, and that is not my intent. JP, Jeff, Bill, Reed...they did the absolute best they knew how to do. They held on for as long as they could, and there comes a time when you just can’t. And if there’s nobody around to catch you when you fall, then you fall. I hope we all have somebody to catch us when we fall. I would not still be here if people had not caught me when I fell.

 

Like I said last night, I don’t have any answers for this, and I’m out of words.  But I care, and I wish I could wave a magic wand to help you hang on, because others care too. About you.

Because you are worth caring about. And you are worth healing.  So please hang in there, just a little longer.  Everything changes, and hope is always there, even when we can’t see it.