16 - This Question can Change Your Life

TRANSCRIPT

I’ve got a question for you. When you’re going someplace, especially someplace you’ve never been before, how do you find it? Did somebody give you directions? Maybe somebody texted or emailed you directions turn by turn. Back in the day, did you pull out a map or map book and plot your directions?

I remember back in 1969, our family took a vacation from Ohio to St. Louis. My mom contacted AAA and got two or three -- I think they’re called trip books -- and she used those to plan the trip. They had information about every state that we were going be going through. Things that we could stop and see along the way, campsites, all kinds of stuff. We knew that we wanted to visit family in Illinois. Everything after that was up for grabs.

She used those trip books, and she planned our trip to get from Ohio to Illinois to St. Louis, and all the way back home. And it worked, because she researched, and because she planned. Today I’m sure you can still contact AAA and get trip books, but I don’t know anybody who would, because we have the Internet. And we have cell phones and smart phones, and every smart phone has a GPS app so we’re good to go. All you have to do is program in the address you want to go to, or the location you want to go to, and it gives you turn by turn directions. You can’t get lost.

And that’s great, if all you’re worried about is going from point A to point B in some geographic location. What if you’re talking about your career? “What do you want to be when you grow up” is a question that we’re always asked.

Looking at it a different way -- what is it that you want to do with your life? What kind of job do you want? How do you get that job? What do I need to know to be able to get that job? What do I need to be qualified to get that job?

And again, you can do some research, and you can do some planning, and you can just follow that plan and know exactly what you need to do. When people talk about having five-year plans, it’s the same kind of thing. They are planning out where I want to be in five years, what I want to be doing. All of that stuff is wonderful for things like careers, or family trips.

But what about life?

And I draw your attention again to the graphic at the top of the page. That start line and that finish line, and how it’s not a nice straight progression from start to finish, but full of twists and turns, and double backs and loop arounds, because that’s what life does. Life has twists and turns, ups and downs, plateaus, mountains, valleys, cliffs, caves, lakes, oceans, ponds, gravel roads, paved roads, dirt roads, and very, very few road signs. There’s not a lot out there saying hey, go this way and you’ll be happy. Go this way and you’ll be healthy. No, it’s hey, welcome to life! Have fun! Figure it out as you go along. Good luck with that.

So now what do we do? We try, and we figure it out as we go along. So, road trips and careers, you can plan and research and have a chart laid out, and kind of follow a path. Life? Yeah, you can have ideas, and sometimes you get there and sometimes it throws you a whopper.

Here’s the whopper that I dealt with. It wasn’t really life per se, although it’s part of life. It was my emotional healing journey.

Thanks for joining us today on the lessons from life podcast. I’m Mary Young, and we’re going to be talking about what in hindsight is probably the most important question -- I could even call it a life-changing question  --  that I’ve ever been asked.

So in an emotional healing journey, how do you know when you’re healed? When I broke my leg last year, it was easy to know when it was healed, because they took x-rays. They took x-rays at the beginning, and said oh look! Those bones aren’t together, and they took x-rays at the end and said oh look! You’re good now.

If you have a cut or a scratch on your arm or your leg or your hand, you know it’s healed because it’s no longer there. Sometimes there will be a scar - sometimes not, but the cut or the scratch is no longer there, so you know you’re healed. When you have the flu, you know you’re over the flu because you no longer have flu symptoms.

 But emotional healing - that’s all inside. There are not physical symptoms like it is with the flu or a broken bone, or a cut or scratch, or poison ivy. So how do you know when you are emotionally healthy? How do you know how to get there? Where’s the road signs? Where’s the trip books that I can use that will say follow these steps and you’ll be good?

Oh my gosh, I would love to give you a one-size-fits-all answer. The longer I live life, the more convinced I am that there is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all answer. Yes, we may have commonalities, but we are also unique, and we each deal with our issues individually, uniquely. And what works for me may not work for you, and vice versa.

I will say this though. Counseling helps. It’s worth every penny that I’ve spent, and every hour that I’ve spent in a counselor’s office. What makes me say that? My personal experience.

But here’s where I’m going with this. When I first started seeing Tracy, the counselor that I see now, in the very first or second session that I had with her, we were talking about why I was in therapy, what I wanted to get out of the therapy. And I said I want my past to stop kicking my butt. I want to be stable. I want to be able to function. I want to be healthier than I am now. I just want to be a healthier me.

 And that’s when Tracy asked me the question that honestly has changed my life. And it’s actually a two-part question: what does a healthy you look like? That’s part one. I said I want to be a healthier me, and she said great! What does that look like?

So I walked out of her office, and I pondered. I pondered, and I pondered some more, and I continued pondering. And as I pondered I would write, because that’s how I process things is by writing.  So I did some therapeutic writing and some journaling, whatever you want to call it, and by the time all was said and done, I sat down one day and just started a piece of paper. Up at the top I wrote what does a healthier me look like, and I started writing down bullet points. And I took that list into my next Tracy appointment, and shared it with Tracy, and when I got home I threw it on stack of paper in the office and forgot all about it.

Yes, really, I did.

But I said it’s a two-part question. Part one - what does a healthier me look like? That was my list. This is what I want to be. This this is what I think a healthy me would look like.

Part two is the kicker. What does it take to get there, and are you willing to do that work? For me, getting there meant spending a lot of time in Tracy’s office. And these were not just casual sit down and talk about the weather conversations, these were if I could’ve hidden behind the couch while I talked to her I would’ve because the stuff that I was sharing was so terrifying to me.

So I spent a lot of time in my counselor’s office. I spent a lot of time journaling and doing therapeutic writing. I did a lot of retraining my brain, facing things that were hard to face, looking at memories that I had repressed, facing things about myself that I didn’t like or that were hard to face about myself. Turns out I’m not the nicest person in the world, even though I always thought I was growing up.

But here’s the thing... I said a minute ago that when I came back from that Tracy appointment where I had read her that list, I took that piece of paper and I threw it in a stack of paper in the office and forgot about it. That is literally true. I did not go into Tracy’s office each week going okay! Today let’s talk about number six on that list. I’m not that kind person. There are people who are meticulous like that, but that’s not me.

I go into to Tracy’s office and say here’s what’s driving me crazy today, and that’s what we talk about. And three or four years after I first started seeing Tracy, I was deep cleaning my office so I could paint it. And so I’m going through the stacks of paper, and I ran across this list. By then I had totally forgotten I had ever made that list of what does a healthier me look like. And I stopped what I was doing, and I read that sheet of paper, and I started to cry.

Not ugly tears.

Happy tears.

And I’m kind of blinking back tears right now as I share this, because it was so powerful. There were 18 items on that list, and as I worked my way down through that list, I went check...check...check. All but two of those 18 items, I could check off and say hey, I’ve got that. And the two that I could not check off, I was actively working on.

You could’ve knocked me over with a feather. I had forgotten that I ever made that list, and I’d certainly forgotten what was on it. And I didn’t realize it, but all those times that I went to Tracy’s office and dealt with whatever was driving me crazy, it was actually working its way through the items on the list, bringing me to the point where I could say oh my gosh, I’m emotionally healthy!

And because I had succeeded in the first 16 items, the fact that I was still working on the last two items didn’t bother me, because I knew that I would get there, because I had already gotten there with the other items.

And there’s power in that.

There is power in knowing what you want to achieve

There’s power in writing it down.

There is power in having an accountability partner.

In my case, the accountability partner was my counselor. For you, it could be somebody else. But the somebody, whoever it is, has to be somebody that will encourage you to be a better version of you.

Somebody who will celebrate with you all these little victories that you’ll have along the way. And I’m telling you...when I say little victories; they could be TINY, almost too small to see. And it is so critically important that you notice those, and you recognize those, and you celebrate those. And you honor those, because that is how we change. Incrementally. By baby steps. And you need that accountability partner, that celebration partner.

Maybe you don’t have anybody like that in your life, and I’m really really sorry if that’s the case. I hope you have an accountability partner, a celebration partner. But you know what?

If you don’t have that in your life right now, I have a Facebook page.  Go to Facebook, and look up the lessons from life podcast. Find that Facebook page, and you leave me a comment, and I will celebrate your victories with you.

Because your victories deserve to be celebrated.

Because you are becoming a better you, and that is one of the best things that you can do for yourself.

So remember the question: what would a healthier you look like? And the corollary: what will it take to make that happen, and are you willing to do the work?

Ponder that, and remember:

• You are worth healing.
• You are worth being emotionally healthy.
• You deserve to be healthy.
• You deserve so much more than what you’re letting yourself have right now.

 

So please. Be good to yourself, and be gentle with yourself.

Thank you so much for listening today.  Go out and make it a great week