7 - Who are you Afraid of Offending?

TRANSCRIPT

“...What I want to say to young girls is forget about likability. If you start thinking about being likable you are not going to tell your story honestly, because you are going to be so concerned with not offending, and that's going to ruin your story...”

                                                                                                -- Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

 

I haven’t been a young girl for a few decades now, but when I read this on the Facebook page “A Mighty Girl” today, it spoke to me.  If this were a blog instead of a podcast, I’d bold print this part:  ...you are not going to tell your story honestly, because you are going to be so concerned with not offending, and that’s going to ruin your story.   I struggle with this one a lot, both as I work on ideas for podcast episodes, and as I work on convincing myself to complete my current book project, which I haven’t really touched in the last year.

Hi, I’m Mary Young. Thanks for joining us on the Lessons from Life Podcast. Today’s topic is  “Who am I afraid of offending?”

So who am I concerned about offending?  It’s a combination of traditional, conservative Christians, friends who don’t share my beliefs, and my family members. So let’s take those one at a time.

Traditional, conservative Christians --  I will tell people I “suck as a Christian,” because I don’t typically act the way all those church-people did in my childhood, adolescence, & young adulthood.  Or how they told me I should act.   In fact, I told my al-anon group one time that “the God of my understanding is not the God of my childhood.”  That doesn’t mean I don’t believe in God, or don’t have a relationship with him, but I find myself hesitant to publicly share what I really think or believe because I can imagine a slew of comments telling me how wrong I am, with the commenters cherry-picking Bible verses to prove it.  And then I would need to respond to those comments, either defending my own beliefs, or capitulating to theirs.  I don’t want to have those conversations, so I censor myself. 

I need to stop doing that.  My beliefs and value system are mine, not anyone else’s, and God and I have had long talks about them over the years while I was developing them.  He lets me know when I’m out in left field, and his opinion really is the only one I care about, in that area  

On top of that, I know many people today who seem to hold the same beliefs and values I do, so why do I still feel like I’m the odd one out?  For that matter, why do I still feel like I need someone else’s approval or agreement of my own thoughts, ideas and feelings, anyway?  That’s something to ponder with my therapist, I think.  Meanwhile, I’ll work on not censoring myself in my podcast and book.

I have to admit though, I have another “likeability” fear when it comes to God - but it’s in the other direction. I have a lot of friends who either don’t believe in the same God I do, or don’t believe in any god at all.  I’m concerned about alienating or offending them.  My friends who don’t believe in the Judeo-Christian God have very valid reasons for their beliefs, just as I do for mine.  And while I want to be free to talk about my beliefs, as a natural part of conversation, I don’t ever want them to think I’m trying to push my beliefs on them, or to use a more traditional term: trying to “save their souls.”  That’s not my job.  Which is a good thing, because I suck at that kind of thing worse than I suck at being a Christian. J 

But it’s a hundred times easier to stop worrying about offending people with my faith journey than it is to stop worrying about offending my family.  

Family goes to the core of our identities - to the core of MY identity. I am a Young, and a Smith; youngest daughter of a truck-driver and stay-at-home mom; and grand-daughter of Appalachian coal-miners, all of whom brought me up to believe that family is the most important thing there is, and we should all stick together.  And yet I have lived my entire adult life away from my family, and once I was out of college, trips home were only once or twice a decade. 

The majority of my emotional healing journey was based on coming to grips with childhood events; recognizing and admitting truths about my nuclear and extended family; and seeing how all of that impacted how I became the person I am today, and why I still react to some things the way I do. But I find myself hesitant to speak that truth out loud in public, in case family is watching or listening, and takes offense at what I say.

But without truth there is no freedom, and no healing.  So I live away from family, and speak my truth to trusted friends, hoping family will never hear me say it.

And when I do that, I’m cheating both myself and my siblings.  For all I know, instead of living in denial, they could be going through their own emotional healing journey, and it could be comforting for them to know that someone else thinks Dad’s entire family was alcoholic.  Or they might also be feeling like they’re the world’s worst child for thinking that while Mom did a lot of really cool things for us when we were growing up, she wasn’t really as supportive as she sounded, and actually fits a lot of the character traits of a narcissistic personality.

Then again, if I say all that out loud, and they hear it, and they’re NOT thinking that way, I could find myself effectively disowned.  And that’s a scary thought.

So I do worry about offending them, and as Adiechie says in that bit I quoted at the beginning, it ruins my story, because it keeps me from being honest.

I think it’s interesting that as I was driving the 500 miles home for my mother’s funeral, 15 years ago, one of the thoughts that crossed my mind was “Now I can write my  book.”  My subconscious has known, far longer than I have, that I’m afraid of offending my family.  That I’m afraid that somehow sharing my truth, my reality, my memories, my fears and my nightmares will be seen as unjustified criticism and result in banishment.

Ya know that relationship with God that I mentioned about 500 words ago?  It used to be a lot like my childhood family relationship. I was afraid of being honest with God - afraid of offending him, afraid that my questions and doubts were proof that I didn’t really believe in him. I was afraid that one day he would decide he’d had enough, and stop loving me.  And it would be my own fault, for not being a good enough Christian - not trusting him enough, not doing enough for him, not loving him enough, and most of all, not being like the church-people told me to be. 

That emotional healing journey I’ve been on for the last 20+ years was also a spiritual healing journey , and it’s probably been 5years since I was afraid of making God so mad he wouldn’t love me anymore.  For me, that’s been one of the biggest benefits of my spiritual healing journey....the realization of how very much God loves me, and what that means for me in my life.

 But that’s a topic for another podcast, maybe.

For this one, if I’m gonna be authentic and vulnerable, whether it’s in this podcast or in my  current book project, I have to be honest and open, both about my family (without worrying about offending them), and about my faith.  Because I can’t speak for other people, but for me, I wouldn’t still be here if it wasn’t for my faith, and for my relationship with the God of my understanding. And I can’t keep that out of the story of my healing journey, no matter who it offends.

So that’s my take-away for this quotation I stumbled across on Facebook today. 

My question for YOU would be who are you afraid of offending? What’s keeping you from telling your story honestly, or maybe the question is who’s keeping you from telling your story honestly?

You can certainly just listen to me pondering about this, and walk away and go “man...she’s talkative. I would never share all that.”  And that’s OK. You don’t have to.

I just want to be the best me I’m capable of being, and that means being authentic and vulnerable.  And that means facing up to who I’m afraid of offending, and not letting that stop me from being honest with my story.

Until next time, thanks so much for listening. Now, go make it a great week.